Tired

Today, I'm tired. Now, this isn't tired in the sense of not getting enough sleep. I'm actually getting more than I think I need since my body is not used to the time change yet. I do good to roll out of bed by eight with my body thinking it's only seven. Still, I'm tired.

I've been working two jobs for nearly ten months. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the day to day grind. I'm tired of having no real free time. I'm tired of spending more time awake at work than I spend awake at home. I'm tired of working on every day that ends in 'y.' I'm tired of having no money or, on the flip side, having money but not letting myself spend it on little things so that I won't have no money. I'm tired of having no time to work on personal projects I want to see fulfilled. I'm tired of having no time to work on things like the blog or my YouTube channel or my writing. I know I have a certain quality of life in that I am in a nice apartment, I have food and clothes and all my basic needs taken care of, but some days it feels like that's it. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having little time for any creative endeavor. I'm tired of having less time to even read a frigging book. I'm tired of never knowing when my next day off will be or if I'll get one. I'm tired of knowing I have to keep doing all this because of the paychecks. I'm tired of wondering if I'm even going anywhere with either of my jobs. I'm tired of just spinning my wheels.

In short: I'm tired.

There is no further point to this post, no moral or nice ending to try and change my mood, no attempting to look on the positive side of all this because I'm just too tired to do it. Today, by virtue of a required meeting as well as my eight hour shift, I will be working an eleven hour day - twelve if the meeting runs long and I can't zip home to get food. I'd better go get breakfast. Thanks for reading.

A Full Plate at Life's Buffet

Do you ever feel like you're standing at the buffet of life, holding a plate overflowing with food? That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. The problem? I can't seem to stop putting food on my plate. This, I think, is one of my biggest character flaws/weaknesses. I get fantastic ideas (thanks, ADD) but tend to fall apart when it comes to follow-through. Again, thanks, ADD.

Work continues and has been going very well. Working two retail jobs isn't exactly the glamorous life, but it means I have money coming in. I'm also (still) trying to teach myself to use my spare time to my own benefit. It seems like my free time keeps getting filled up by little, insignificant things that I enjoy in the moment, but afterwards... Yeah, it was enjoyable, but there's still all this stuff I want to do that I could've worked on instead. Continuing my buffet analogy, I think these impulse quick-entertainment to-dos are like the dessert bar. Lots of fun, good at hitting the pleasure center of the brain, but it won't keep me going.

Things at work have been a little crazier than usual, but I've kept at it and been working both jobs for almost two months. The manager at one job unexpectedly walked out, so we are in flux there while waiting for the company to transfer/hire someone new. At the other job, we have inventory coming up this week and the manager on vacation next week. This means I'll be getting some extra hours, which is all manner of shiny.

More good news: at the end of this week/over the weekend, I will be moving into my own apartment! Yes, I've had an apartment before, but it was at school and on campus. This time around, I get to pay my own bills and set everything up the way I want and I am SO EXCITED!!! I've been ready to do this adult thing for a while, so I'm really looking forward to these final steps. In terms of bills, I actually lucked out: all I have to pay (besides school loans, car payment, cell phone, etc.) is rent and electric. That's a fantastic deal in my book.

Right now, as usual, I'm doing as much as I can to load my spare time down with projects. Here are just a few of the things on my wish list of to-dos.

Moving - mentioned above. Duh. This is a must do.

Packing - Priority one after work and chores and... Yeah, it's on the list.

Novel in progress - a fantasy/horror piece; the initial idea was in my head for about a month before I started committing words to paper.

Screenwriting - my newest brain wave. Instead of seeking a Masters degree in creative writing (paying more money, taking literary criticism classes I really don't care about) I'm going to try my hand at screenwriting. Not sure yet whether I'll be learning on my own through reading and doing, trial and error, or taking online classes.

Media reviews - this morning's random brain wave. I've recently started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (FINALLY!!!) and have been loving it. I'm going to try and write up some reviews to be posted on this blog. From there, I may branch out to other tv shows/movies as they pique my interest. If I can keep up with this, I may set up a blog dedicated just to these reviews. Time will tell.

Vlogging - This is always on the to-do list. I'm going to set up a studio of sorts in my apartment. planning for the day I own an actual video camera, external mic, etc.

Blogging - Doing this today. Finally. For once.

Running - I miss this. It needs to cool off in Texas.

BDV history - a never-ending project that I may never get to.

RP posts - bottom of the to do list, but still very much there. There are days it seems more like work than play, but it's writing, so this doesn't shock me. Still, it doesn't exactly help with the motivating.

Camp NaNoWriMo - this is becoming less of a priority. Would it be nice to earn a NaNo win while working two jobs? Yeah. Still, not sure I need a 50k/31day deadline looming. It seems better that I write on my own time as I'm able to.

Yeah, my plate is pretty full. I know I do it to myself. Maybe because of the ADD. I don't know. Anyway, that's just a few of the things going on in my life at the moment. I'll post a tour of the apartment on YouTube once everything is set up.

How do you avoid over-loading at life's buffet? Or do you grab way too much like I do?

Chicken Soup Epiphanies

During a study break, I opened one of the handful of Chicken Soup books I own. Shockingly, it was one I hadn't read - an entire book dedicated to resolutions. I started flipping through, reading some stories and skimming others, when perspective crept up out of nowhere and slapped me across the face. Resolutions, if you think about it, are nothing more than setting goals. This is something I always try to do, but don't always succeed on.

Two stories in particular caught my eye. In one, the writer resolved to stop watching television. She estimated that she had added six years to her life by filling former tv time with other activities. In the other, a writing student passed on the wisdom of his teacher. "[A rejection letter is just] proof that you're writing." As I read this, I heard a click as the truth of the simple statement sunk in. Now, this statement is over my desk in the hopes that one day I will begin collecting rejection letters of my own.

It seems both interesting and ironic that I should read a story about gaining free time and about the craft I so love on the same night that I made a significant move to clear my own schedule. No, I didn't drop out of school. I narrowed my personal extracurricular activities, specifically my involvement in online role-plays. If I can get up the guts to make the big leap, as of tomorrow I will only be on one RP site. I will only have one online distraction/commitment to maintain and I know the people there will wait for me.

In making this decision, I'm dropping about ten RP characters (the number would have been unthinkable had I done this six months ago.) As an avid RPer, this is a pretty big deal for me. I've been taking part in RPs for ten years. Am I ready to quit entirely? No, but I don't think I'll ever quit entirely. Today, however, I've decided to move away from any RP groups I participate in that I don't get anything out of. If playing my characters is nothing but a time-filler, the sort of thing I could do with my eyes closed or in my sleep, if I have no plots to play or characters to build off of, I'm leaving that group.

It's time I take my spare time seriously and do what I actually want to do.

An Experiment in Free Writing

Most lies are not big. They're small. They look harmless. Until they multiply. The first lie comes, a spot of jam on a tile floor, a small imperfection that needs to be covered. Put something over it. Now, a stool sits in the corner, covered with a bright floral fabric. The stool has been moved. Something has to take its place in the living room. The coffee table gets shifted, then something is added to occupy that extra space. Because it wasn't there before, it gets accidentally knocked over, the pieces swept under the rug. This creates a lump, an obstacle, that someone may trip over. A chair gets moved, its legs acting as sentries around the lump of debris. Now, there's a chair in the middle of the room. Another tripping hazard placed too close to the couch for it to be comfortable. Wouldn't it be easier to tell about that small spot on the kitchen floor than rearrange the living room? Covering a lie causes more mess. Better to tell the truth right from the beginning and take care of the problem while it is small.

Reminders, excuses, explanations

First things first: check out the links in the sidebar to the right! Clicking the first link for the giveaway might lead you to win a $10 Starbucks gift card! Keep an eye on my blog/vlog (you're reading one, the other is linked up on the right) for more giveaways once I get money!

Current giveaway entrants, if you tweet the giveaway, please make sure you return to the entry each day you tweet so that your tweet can be recorded as an entry because if you don't those tweets will not help you raise your probability of winning! Thank you so much everybody for entering! You're all amazing!

Moving on.

I spent part of yesterday roaming around campus with the intention of vlogging. My netbook (the teeny laptop with the built in webcam and very little storage space) didn't want to connect to the internet in my apartment and I didn't want to try and figure out the issue. Therefore, I had to walk the three blocks to get to campus where I could pick up a wireless signal. My theory was that I would pick up a wireless signal and then record a vlog entry from either my iPhone or my netbook.

My theory was severely flawed.

As I discovered, campus was dead. Like, dead dead. Classes start on Tuesday and this weekend everything, everything, EVERYTHING is closed. The library was closed and the student center was closed and the dining hall was closed and it's really creepy to be walking around this moderately sized college campus and see NOBODY walking around ANYWHERE. Well, I did see some people, but they were on a tour of the campus, which told me they were not yet students and caused them to fall from my radar. Okay, it wasn't quite that literal nor that immediate because I'm really not that rude, but hopefully you get my point.

After roaming and prowling my apparently abandoned campus, I settled in to do some vlog recording from my iPhone, which I don't like because it formats weirdly. Yes, I could have used the netbook and let it run off battery power, which would have allowed me to also edit my video before posting it and would have led to no bizarre formatting, but I didn't want the netbook to just run off battery power and with my luck it would die.

I also had no idea what to vlog about.

Interestingly, in my mind, this was the lesser problem. You would think it would be more of a pressing issue, but it wasn't. Instead, I roamed campus some more and wondered at its complete emptiness and lack of visible life. There were times I was thoughtful, like "this is the last time I will be walking around campus on the Saturday before a semester begins because after this I'll have to go into the real world." And then I would wonder what I was going to do out in the real world and why the "real world" has been turned into such a significant phrase. At other times, I would look around and think things like," my god, it's beautiful outside; where is everybody?"

Long story short: I didn't vlog because I didn't know what to say and couldn't find a good place to record. Now that this blog is done, I need to get to the more important things I'm ignoring, like the clean clothes in my closet that are awaiting hangers.

Comment, follow, check out my other ramblings (in both text and video form) in the links to the right and don't forget the giveaway!

A Bookworm on Books

E-readers seem to be the new "thing." I'll admit, I've been in on my fair share of fads in my life and I do own an e-reader - albeit an out of date one that I was given for free. I do appreciate my e-reader and I love having it, don't get me wrong. I'm certainly not going to get rid of it or anything foolish like that. However, a neighbor recently got an e-reader (new, brand name) for Christmas. Because she has the e-reader, she seems to have given up on the idea of paper-and-glue books. This baffles me.

Yes, an e-reader is light, but unless you're reading a biology textbook for fun, a book can't be all that heavy. Yes, e-readers are well lit and portable, but that big ball of fire in the sky can illuminate paper as well as it illuminates electrical devices. Call me a purist, if you like. I prefer the term bookworm. I have books on my e-reader that I do not own in print. This does save me money, but looking at my personal library, I know I'm not ready to add much. I'm already taking home a trash bag full of books (also free gifts; can't wait to get into them!) and, as such, can see where the e-reader will be taking up a lot less space in my car and on my crowded bookshelves. Those are two benefits of e-readers I can't deny - they do save money and take up less space.

Still, there are times when I want to really live the story with the characters and you can't always do that with an e-reader. A prime example is my e-reader copy vs. my printed copy of Watership Down. There are footnotes in the book, designed to explain aspects of Lapine life as the author has developed them. In the e-reader copy, these footnotes are contained where the page ends in the hard copy. What does this mean? You're reading and you come across an unfamiliar phrase, but in the e-book copy you can't find an explanation of the phrase until you hit the end of the printed page, which may not happen for another screen. The footnotes appear in the middle of the narrative, in some cases. This just makes for awkward reading.

Another example of awkward e-reader reading is when I'll run across a typo. Well, not a typo. It's more like two words were accidentally jammed together. I have to go back and re-read to figure out which words I'm supposed to be reading. This breaks the narrative and interrupts my reading - do not want!

As I said at the beginning of this blog entry, I do like my e-reader. I enjoy the ease of reading - when I don't run across an amalgamated typo - and I like that I can read multiple books at once. I like having the e-reader, but it has its place. I don't see an electronic device ever replacing my books. I mean, when's the last time you had to plug a book in to charge it before you could continue reading?

Thoughts and Feelings