On being pushed

Yes, life is pushing me. All things considered, this pushing could be coming in a more positive way, but cest la vie.

I know it's been a while since I have blogged. Some of that is due to time constraints. Some of it is due to the sheer repetition these entries would have if I did blog. Today, however, I need to get this whole mess out of my brain and off my chest.

Since graduating from college, I've learned a lot about myself - namely that I'm able to hold down two jobs for (currently) over a year and a half. At my full time job, I've had my schedule changed almost constantly. I've been given a few raises. I've been moved to other positions (and then lost them when someone else was hired on to fill the spot) and different shifts. I've done all this with very few complaints, just trying to do my job to the best of my ability. I've been promised promotion to a management position. That hasn't happened yet. In fact, I've been bypassed for promotion twice. I've also been promised a raise substantial enough that I can work just one job. That also hasn't happened.

At my part time job, I was hired to work Friday evenings and all day Saturday and Sunday. My schedule has remained consistent with only two exceptions: inventory and Christmas. Even when we lost one of the four employees we have there, my manager did not change my schedule because she knew I had another job. She also made adjustments when I had to be at job 1 at 5 am, letting me leave an hour early.

Today, I was told that Friday's schedule has been permanently changed from 7am-2pm to 7 am-4 pm. This is the shift I usually work. The problem? I have to be at job 2 at 3:30pm. If I get the schedule adjusted to 4pm instead of 3:30:

1. a (admittedly small) cut in hours - at a job where I make just over minimum wage.
2. going straight from one job to the other, which has the potential for lateness every week (and leads back to point 1)
3. zero time to eat between shifts.

It also, in my opinion, isn't fair for me to ask this of my manager because it was made clear when I was hired that I was needed on three specific days and specific hours. Those hours have remained constant the entire time I have been there. Changing them, adjusting around job 1 permanently like that... it just doesn't strike me as fair.

I've been asked by many people which job I prefer. The simple fact is this: I can not choose between them because I need the income from both locations. I prefer one no more than the other. But now, I'm caught in the middle of the two places again, trying to do my best by both my managers. I can't get pushed like this anymore. I just don't know what to do to make this work. Something's got to give.

Tired

Today, I'm tired. Now, this isn't tired in the sense of not getting enough sleep. I'm actually getting more than I think I need since my body is not used to the time change yet. I do good to roll out of bed by eight with my body thinking it's only seven. Still, I'm tired.

I've been working two jobs for nearly ten months. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the day to day grind. I'm tired of having no real free time. I'm tired of spending more time awake at work than I spend awake at home. I'm tired of working on every day that ends in 'y.' I'm tired of having no money or, on the flip side, having money but not letting myself spend it on little things so that I won't have no money. I'm tired of having no time to work on personal projects I want to see fulfilled. I'm tired of having no time to work on things like the blog or my YouTube channel or my writing. I know I have a certain quality of life in that I am in a nice apartment, I have food and clothes and all my basic needs taken care of, but some days it feels like that's it. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having little time for any creative endeavor. I'm tired of having less time to even read a frigging book. I'm tired of never knowing when my next day off will be or if I'll get one. I'm tired of knowing I have to keep doing all this because of the paychecks. I'm tired of wondering if I'm even going anywhere with either of my jobs. I'm tired of just spinning my wheels.

In short: I'm tired.

There is no further point to this post, no moral or nice ending to try and change my mood, no attempting to look on the positive side of all this because I'm just too tired to do it. Today, by virtue of a required meeting as well as my eight hour shift, I will be working an eleven hour day - twelve if the meeting runs long and I can't zip home to get food. I'd better go get breakfast. Thanks for reading.

A Full Plate at Life's Buffet

Do you ever feel like you're standing at the buffet of life, holding a plate overflowing with food? That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. The problem? I can't seem to stop putting food on my plate. This, I think, is one of my biggest character flaws/weaknesses. I get fantastic ideas (thanks, ADD) but tend to fall apart when it comes to follow-through. Again, thanks, ADD.

Work continues and has been going very well. Working two retail jobs isn't exactly the glamorous life, but it means I have money coming in. I'm also (still) trying to teach myself to use my spare time to my own benefit. It seems like my free time keeps getting filled up by little, insignificant things that I enjoy in the moment, but afterwards... Yeah, it was enjoyable, but there's still all this stuff I want to do that I could've worked on instead. Continuing my buffet analogy, I think these impulse quick-entertainment to-dos are like the dessert bar. Lots of fun, good at hitting the pleasure center of the brain, but it won't keep me going.

Things at work have been a little crazier than usual, but I've kept at it and been working both jobs for almost two months. The manager at one job unexpectedly walked out, so we are in flux there while waiting for the company to transfer/hire someone new. At the other job, we have inventory coming up this week and the manager on vacation next week. This means I'll be getting some extra hours, which is all manner of shiny.

More good news: at the end of this week/over the weekend, I will be moving into my own apartment! Yes, I've had an apartment before, but it was at school and on campus. This time around, I get to pay my own bills and set everything up the way I want and I am SO EXCITED!!! I've been ready to do this adult thing for a while, so I'm really looking forward to these final steps. In terms of bills, I actually lucked out: all I have to pay (besides school loans, car payment, cell phone, etc.) is rent and electric. That's a fantastic deal in my book.

Right now, as usual, I'm doing as much as I can to load my spare time down with projects. Here are just a few of the things on my wish list of to-dos.

Moving - mentioned above. Duh. This is a must do.

Packing - Priority one after work and chores and... Yeah, it's on the list.

Novel in progress - a fantasy/horror piece; the initial idea was in my head for about a month before I started committing words to paper.

Screenwriting - my newest brain wave. Instead of seeking a Masters degree in creative writing (paying more money, taking literary criticism classes I really don't care about) I'm going to try my hand at screenwriting. Not sure yet whether I'll be learning on my own through reading and doing, trial and error, or taking online classes.

Media reviews - this morning's random brain wave. I've recently started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (FINALLY!!!) and have been loving it. I'm going to try and write up some reviews to be posted on this blog. From there, I may branch out to other tv shows/movies as they pique my interest. If I can keep up with this, I may set up a blog dedicated just to these reviews. Time will tell.

Vlogging - This is always on the to-do list. I'm going to set up a studio of sorts in my apartment. planning for the day I own an actual video camera, external mic, etc.

Blogging - Doing this today. Finally. For once.

Running - I miss this. It needs to cool off in Texas.

BDV history - a never-ending project that I may never get to.

RP posts - bottom of the to do list, but still very much there. There are days it seems more like work than play, but it's writing, so this doesn't shock me. Still, it doesn't exactly help with the motivating.

Camp NaNoWriMo - this is becoming less of a priority. Would it be nice to earn a NaNo win while working two jobs? Yeah. Still, not sure I need a 50k/31day deadline looming. It seems better that I write on my own time as I'm able to.

Yeah, my plate is pretty full. I know I do it to myself. Maybe because of the ADD. I don't know. Anyway, that's just a few of the things going on in my life at the moment. I'll post a tour of the apartment on YouTube once everything is set up.

How do you avoid over-loading at life's buffet? Or do you grab way too much like I do?

Writing Routines

It's said that a lot of writers have routines, behaviors they repeat every time they sit down to practice their craft. Stephen King shuts himself in his writing room from 9-5, viewing it as his job. Some writers have special emblems or totems or "lucky" clothing. Some only hand-write while others only type. If you think about it, we can be just as superstitious a group as actors. (Some of the actor superstitions I've encountered include an actor who repeated the same pre-show routine from the first tech run to the final curtain to the point he arrived at the same time each evening, left at the same time, and did the same things in the same order. I knew a pair of actresses who would only let one technician tape their mics in place because that was the tech who did it during the first dress rehearsal.) Enough about actors. On to some of my writing habits/routines.

Hot Beverages This habit, I believe, is a throwback of learned behaviors from NaNoWriMo. When I sit down to write and it's not school related, I have to have some hot caffeinated beverage within reach. Even if I completely ignore it til it's ice cold, it has to be there from the start. I end up drinking it cold 90% of the time. Lol.

Energy Drinks If I don't have coffee, I'll reach for my energy drink of choice - Monster. There's not much like the feel of wanting to get up and not letting myself do it. When the only way I can burn excess energy is through my fingers moving across the keyboard, man do I get a lot written!

Change Scenery There are times, I just need a change of scenery - for myself, not my characters. One of my best writing days was in a coffee shop during NaNoWriMo. I wrote over 6k words that day. It's amazing what a simple change of scene can do for your mind.

Handwriting When I'm handwriting, it has to be lined paper and it has to be black ink. That is all.

Talk it Out Proof that most writers are a little nuts. I'll sit and discuss dialogue with myself, talking it all out and visualizing the entire scene.

Dare to Write Badly or The What If Universe When I talk things out, I often come up with a lot of things that, while entertaining to write, I know will never fit the story or the characters. So what do I do? I write it anyway and get rid of it later. Sometimes, it's one small moment in the impossible scenario I've dreamed up that will spark the next legit scene in the story.

Write or Die An amazing online program, a lot of my friends think I'm sadistic because I use Write or Die on kamikaze mode - this means that if I sit with the program open for too long without typing, the program will start to automatically delete words. Talk about incentive.

BICFOK The best advice I've ever received - tied, of course, to NaNoWriMo. BICFOK isn't the newest swear word; it's an initialism. Butt In Chair, Fingers On Keyboard. Sometimes, that's the only way to get things done - sheer force of willpower.

"One hasn't become a writer until one has distilled writing into a habit, and that habit has been forced into an obsession. Writing has to be an obsession. It has to be something as organic, physiological, and psychological as speaking or sleeping or eating." -Niyi Osundare