Rambling about reclamation

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything here. It's actually been a while since I've written, but I'm putting a stop to that today. So many words have been silenced, stoppered up inside me as I tried and failed to make time to write. No, wait - "tried" and "failed." Yes, that's better. Why the air quotes? Well, it's pretty simple.

I've had the time and the opportunity, so "trying" to make time isn't an issue. Instead, I was filling my spare time with other stuff, less important "priorities" that shouldn't be as high as they are on my list. Worse yet, my subconscious has been sending out signal after signal. Don't believe me? Take a look at the list of books I'm currently reading.

-Chicken Soup for the Soul: Inspiration for Writers
-Rules of Thumb: 73 authors reveal their fiction writing fixations
-30 Steps to Becoming a Writer
-Writing Past Dark: Envy, Fear, Distraction, and Other Dilemmas in the Writer's Life

Yeah, a lot of the time my subconscious has to communicate with me in horrendously obvious ways. It's sort of like passing a sign that says "caution: falling rocks" and then getting hit by a three ton boulder.

It's weird and wonderful how I feel right now. Even typing out this random blog entry, this stream-of-consciousness things that's really not talking about much of anything, I feel so free. This feels right.

I call myself a writer. It's time I re-claim that title.

I always seem to pick bad times to do this as far as my personal calendar goes, but oh well. Camp NaNoWriMo's July session starts in just a few days. Inventory at one job will keep me insanely busy for the first week, including two back to back fifteen hour days, but all that should be over by the eighth. This year, for Camp, I'm writing about two characters who I've been writing for for almost ten years. I'm not sure yet what's going to happen to them, but I know I'll love every minute of it.

Have you re-claimed anything lately that made you feel free, more like yourself?

Tired

Today, I'm tired. Now, this isn't tired in the sense of not getting enough sleep. I'm actually getting more than I think I need since my body is not used to the time change yet. I do good to roll out of bed by eight with my body thinking it's only seven. Still, I'm tired.

I've been working two jobs for nearly ten months. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the day to day grind. I'm tired of having no real free time. I'm tired of spending more time awake at work than I spend awake at home. I'm tired of working on every day that ends in 'y.' I'm tired of having no money or, on the flip side, having money but not letting myself spend it on little things so that I won't have no money. I'm tired of having no time to work on personal projects I want to see fulfilled. I'm tired of having no time to work on things like the blog or my YouTube channel or my writing. I know I have a certain quality of life in that I am in a nice apartment, I have food and clothes and all my basic needs taken care of, but some days it feels like that's it. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having little time for any creative endeavor. I'm tired of having less time to even read a frigging book. I'm tired of never knowing when my next day off will be or if I'll get one. I'm tired of knowing I have to keep doing all this because of the paychecks. I'm tired of wondering if I'm even going anywhere with either of my jobs. I'm tired of just spinning my wheels.

In short: I'm tired.

There is no further point to this post, no moral or nice ending to try and change my mood, no attempting to look on the positive side of all this because I'm just too tired to do it. Today, by virtue of a required meeting as well as my eight hour shift, I will be working an eleven hour day - twelve if the meeting runs long and I can't zip home to get food. I'd better go get breakfast. Thanks for reading.