Tired

Today, I'm tired. Now, this isn't tired in the sense of not getting enough sleep. I'm actually getting more than I think I need since my body is not used to the time change yet. I do good to roll out of bed by eight with my body thinking it's only seven. Still, I'm tired.

I've been working two jobs for nearly ten months. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the day to day grind. I'm tired of having no real free time. I'm tired of spending more time awake at work than I spend awake at home. I'm tired of working on every day that ends in 'y.' I'm tired of having no money or, on the flip side, having money but not letting myself spend it on little things so that I won't have no money. I'm tired of having no time to work on personal projects I want to see fulfilled. I'm tired of having no time to work on things like the blog or my YouTube channel or my writing. I know I have a certain quality of life in that I am in a nice apartment, I have food and clothes and all my basic needs taken care of, but some days it feels like that's it. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having little time for any creative endeavor. I'm tired of having less time to even read a frigging book. I'm tired of never knowing when my next day off will be or if I'll get one. I'm tired of knowing I have to keep doing all this because of the paychecks. I'm tired of wondering if I'm even going anywhere with either of my jobs. I'm tired of just spinning my wheels.

In short: I'm tired.

There is no further point to this post, no moral or nice ending to try and change my mood, no attempting to look on the positive side of all this because I'm just too tired to do it. Today, by virtue of a required meeting as well as my eight hour shift, I will be working an eleven hour day - twelve if the meeting runs long and I can't zip home to get food. I'd better go get breakfast. Thanks for reading.

A Full Plate at Life's Buffet

Do you ever feel like you're standing at the buffet of life, holding a plate overflowing with food? That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. The problem? I can't seem to stop putting food on my plate. This, I think, is one of my biggest character flaws/weaknesses. I get fantastic ideas (thanks, ADD) but tend to fall apart when it comes to follow-through. Again, thanks, ADD.

Work continues and has been going very well. Working two retail jobs isn't exactly the glamorous life, but it means I have money coming in. I'm also (still) trying to teach myself to use my spare time to my own benefit. It seems like my free time keeps getting filled up by little, insignificant things that I enjoy in the moment, but afterwards... Yeah, it was enjoyable, but there's still all this stuff I want to do that I could've worked on instead. Continuing my buffet analogy, I think these impulse quick-entertainment to-dos are like the dessert bar. Lots of fun, good at hitting the pleasure center of the brain, but it won't keep me going.

Things at work have been a little crazier than usual, but I've kept at it and been working both jobs for almost two months. The manager at one job unexpectedly walked out, so we are in flux there while waiting for the company to transfer/hire someone new. At the other job, we have inventory coming up this week and the manager on vacation next week. This means I'll be getting some extra hours, which is all manner of shiny.

More good news: at the end of this week/over the weekend, I will be moving into my own apartment! Yes, I've had an apartment before, but it was at school and on campus. This time around, I get to pay my own bills and set everything up the way I want and I am SO EXCITED!!! I've been ready to do this adult thing for a while, so I'm really looking forward to these final steps. In terms of bills, I actually lucked out: all I have to pay (besides school loans, car payment, cell phone, etc.) is rent and electric. That's a fantastic deal in my book.

Right now, as usual, I'm doing as much as I can to load my spare time down with projects. Here are just a few of the things on my wish list of to-dos.

Moving - mentioned above. Duh. This is a must do.

Packing - Priority one after work and chores and... Yeah, it's on the list.

Novel in progress - a fantasy/horror piece; the initial idea was in my head for about a month before I started committing words to paper.

Screenwriting - my newest brain wave. Instead of seeking a Masters degree in creative writing (paying more money, taking literary criticism classes I really don't care about) I'm going to try my hand at screenwriting. Not sure yet whether I'll be learning on my own through reading and doing, trial and error, or taking online classes.

Media reviews - this morning's random brain wave. I've recently started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (FINALLY!!!) and have been loving it. I'm going to try and write up some reviews to be posted on this blog. From there, I may branch out to other tv shows/movies as they pique my interest. If I can keep up with this, I may set up a blog dedicated just to these reviews. Time will tell.

Vlogging - This is always on the to-do list. I'm going to set up a studio of sorts in my apartment. planning for the day I own an actual video camera, external mic, etc.

Blogging - Doing this today. Finally. For once.

Running - I miss this. It needs to cool off in Texas.

BDV history - a never-ending project that I may never get to.

RP posts - bottom of the to do list, but still very much there. There are days it seems more like work than play, but it's writing, so this doesn't shock me. Still, it doesn't exactly help with the motivating.

Camp NaNoWriMo - this is becoming less of a priority. Would it be nice to earn a NaNo win while working two jobs? Yeah. Still, not sure I need a 50k/31day deadline looming. It seems better that I write on my own time as I'm able to.

Yeah, my plate is pretty full. I know I do it to myself. Maybe because of the ADD. I don't know. Anyway, that's just a few of the things going on in my life at the moment. I'll post a tour of the apartment on YouTube once everything is set up.

How do you avoid over-loading at life's buffet? Or do you grab way too much like I do?

Habits for Life

I will be twenty-five in nine days. For the last month, my approaching birthday has alternately been a cause of stress (twentyFIVE!) and a passing thought (while I freak out about homework instead.) Because I'm growing bored of all this freaking out, I've decided to make a list of some of the habits I've developed that I'm grateful for. A lot of people my age (generally referenced as "twenty-somethings") are spending a lot of time "finding themselves" through working, attending classes, or both. Frankly, I'm more than ready to begin the next stage of my life and it's thanks to many of these habits that I know I am ready.

Sleep schedule - I've seen people look at me like I'm crazy when I use this phrase. I don't understand why, cause it's not complex. I don't stay up til four a.m. and then drag myself to class after just a few hours of sleep. I don't stay up all night working on a homework assignment or studying for a test. I get at least six hours of sleep a night.

Budgeting - There's still money in my bank account! Win! I know how much is there! Double win! When I spend money, I do still have a habit of over-spending, but my shopping sprees aren't very common. After a shopping spree, I spend nothing for several months. Of course, I also live in an on-campus apartment and have no bills, so that makes it easier to spend no money.

Finishing things on time - To be fair, there are times I finish things right before they're due (I am still a college student) but I am breaking that habit. I can say, proudly, that I have never stayed up all night to complete a school assignment.

Focusing my energy where it's needed - I'm not a partier. Never have been. I'm not a big fan of clubs or bars or anything of the sort. Because of this, I'm able to focus on what I want or need to focus on. My attention is on school or my writing or my goals, not on going out and getting bombed.

Relationship drama not found - Okay, story. My freshman year a friend asked me for advice. I told her, honestly, that she didn't want my advice. After saying this three times, I gave in and allowed her to tell me the problem. What it amounted to was "I like this person but he doesn't like me and this other guy texted me and I don't know what he means and etc. etc. etc." Me: "Keep in mind, I told you that you don't want my advice." Friend: "Yes, I do. Please." Me: "Okay. You asked for it. First of all, the person you like doesn't like you. Does not like you. You're wasting your energy. If you want to know what the text message meant, ask the guy. To his face. Also, we have a test tomorrow, so you might want to study for that first." Yeah, I can be a little bit of a wet blanket, but my feet are on the ground and I'm not crying over some break-up or whatever.

Determination and follow-through - If (WHEN) I pass my classes this semester, I graduate in May. I've been here since 2006 and I graduate in May. In one year (after a semester of suspension that led to my ADD diagnosis) I brought my GPA up from a .93 to a 2.6 and now I graduate in May.

Yes, I am ready to get out of school and start the next phase of my life. Maybe with these habits, I can make it in the real world.

Chicken Soup Epiphanies

During a study break, I opened one of the handful of Chicken Soup books I own. Shockingly, it was one I hadn't read - an entire book dedicated to resolutions. I started flipping through, reading some stories and skimming others, when perspective crept up out of nowhere and slapped me across the face. Resolutions, if you think about it, are nothing more than setting goals. This is something I always try to do, but don't always succeed on.

Two stories in particular caught my eye. In one, the writer resolved to stop watching television. She estimated that she had added six years to her life by filling former tv time with other activities. In the other, a writing student passed on the wisdom of his teacher. "[A rejection letter is just] proof that you're writing." As I read this, I heard a click as the truth of the simple statement sunk in. Now, this statement is over my desk in the hopes that one day I will begin collecting rejection letters of my own.

It seems both interesting and ironic that I should read a story about gaining free time and about the craft I so love on the same night that I made a significant move to clear my own schedule. No, I didn't drop out of school. I narrowed my personal extracurricular activities, specifically my involvement in online role-plays. If I can get up the guts to make the big leap, as of tomorrow I will only be on one RP site. I will only have one online distraction/commitment to maintain and I know the people there will wait for me.

In making this decision, I'm dropping about ten RP characters (the number would have been unthinkable had I done this six months ago.) As an avid RPer, this is a pretty big deal for me. I've been taking part in RPs for ten years. Am I ready to quit entirely? No, but I don't think I'll ever quit entirely. Today, however, I've decided to move away from any RP groups I participate in that I don't get anything out of. If playing my characters is nothing but a time-filler, the sort of thing I could do with my eyes closed or in my sleep, if I have no plots to play or characters to build off of, I'm leaving that group.

It's time I take my spare time seriously and do what I actually want to do.

Enough Already

I'm beginning to wonder if there's some law nobody told me about that says a person's body has to fall apart before they turn twenty-five. It could be some sick, twisted coming of age thing, a test to see if I can face the rigors of adulthood - since, apparently, six years in college with ADD isn't enough. Even if this isn't true, it doesn't change the fact that I've been sick for almost a week and the timing just plain sucks.

On February 29th, exactly one month before my 25th birthday, I started feeling a little ick. Flu like symptoms, very sore throat, and a dry cough. I started taking vitamins, took a couple days off from school, and figured the weekend would help this blow over. Now, it's been almost a week and I'm still sick, running a fever, and suffering from random nosebleeds that aren't really unusual, just annoying. Nosebleeds I'm used to - except the one I had Saturday that lasted over an hour. That wasn't fun. Still, it can be worked around. I'm keeping towels nearby and some saline to keep things from totally drying out.

Today, I gave in and went to the doctor. Basic questions were asked and answered - multiple times. My ears, nose, throat, and breathing were all examined. I was told I had a viral infection and a sore spot in the roof of my mouth. A prescription was written and I took it to get filled. Now, I get to take bactrim (in generic form) and cough syrup with codeine and have instructions to return if my symptoms have no cleared up by Friday. I know I can only take the cough syrup at the end of the day because codeine turns me goofy. The drugs I'm not sure about. I know it won't hurt me to take them. Then I read this on a website: "[This drug] will not treat a viral infection such as the common cold or flu."

Um... What?

Anyway, I'm now taking a drug that may or may not help me and looking forward to spending my evenings in a codeine laced stupor. Other than that, I'm digging myself out of the growing pile of homework and generally just trying to keep myself together.