On being pushed

Yes, life is pushing me. All things considered, this pushing could be coming in a more positive way, but cest la vie.

I know it's been a while since I have blogged. Some of that is due to time constraints. Some of it is due to the sheer repetition these entries would have if I did blog. Today, however, I need to get this whole mess out of my brain and off my chest.

Since graduating from college, I've learned a lot about myself - namely that I'm able to hold down two jobs for (currently) over a year and a half. At my full time job, I've had my schedule changed almost constantly. I've been given a few raises. I've been moved to other positions (and then lost them when someone else was hired on to fill the spot) and different shifts. I've done all this with very few complaints, just trying to do my job to the best of my ability. I've been promised promotion to a management position. That hasn't happened yet. In fact, I've been bypassed for promotion twice. I've also been promised a raise substantial enough that I can work just one job. That also hasn't happened.

At my part time job, I was hired to work Friday evenings and all day Saturday and Sunday. My schedule has remained consistent with only two exceptions: inventory and Christmas. Even when we lost one of the four employees we have there, my manager did not change my schedule because she knew I had another job. She also made adjustments when I had to be at job 1 at 5 am, letting me leave an hour early.

Today, I was told that Friday's schedule has been permanently changed from 7am-2pm to 7 am-4 pm. This is the shift I usually work. The problem? I have to be at job 2 at 3:30pm. If I get the schedule adjusted to 4pm instead of 3:30:

1. a (admittedly small) cut in hours - at a job where I make just over minimum wage.
2. going straight from one job to the other, which has the potential for lateness every week (and leads back to point 1)
3. zero time to eat between shifts.

It also, in my opinion, isn't fair for me to ask this of my manager because it was made clear when I was hired that I was needed on three specific days and specific hours. Those hours have remained constant the entire time I have been there. Changing them, adjusting around job 1 permanently like that... it just doesn't strike me as fair.

I've been asked by many people which job I prefer. The simple fact is this: I can not choose between them because I need the income from both locations. I prefer one no more than the other. But now, I'm caught in the middle of the two places again, trying to do my best by both my managers. I can't get pushed like this anymore. I just don't know what to do to make this work. Something's got to give.

Chicken Soup Epiphanies

During a study break, I opened one of the handful of Chicken Soup books I own. Shockingly, it was one I hadn't read - an entire book dedicated to resolutions. I started flipping through, reading some stories and skimming others, when perspective crept up out of nowhere and slapped me across the face. Resolutions, if you think about it, are nothing more than setting goals. This is something I always try to do, but don't always succeed on.

Two stories in particular caught my eye. In one, the writer resolved to stop watching television. She estimated that she had added six years to her life by filling former tv time with other activities. In the other, a writing student passed on the wisdom of his teacher. "[A rejection letter is just] proof that you're writing." As I read this, I heard a click as the truth of the simple statement sunk in. Now, this statement is over my desk in the hopes that one day I will begin collecting rejection letters of my own.

It seems both interesting and ironic that I should read a story about gaining free time and about the craft I so love on the same night that I made a significant move to clear my own schedule. No, I didn't drop out of school. I narrowed my personal extracurricular activities, specifically my involvement in online role-plays. If I can get up the guts to make the big leap, as of tomorrow I will only be on one RP site. I will only have one online distraction/commitment to maintain and I know the people there will wait for me.

In making this decision, I'm dropping about ten RP characters (the number would have been unthinkable had I done this six months ago.) As an avid RPer, this is a pretty big deal for me. I've been taking part in RPs for ten years. Am I ready to quit entirely? No, but I don't think I'll ever quit entirely. Today, however, I've decided to move away from any RP groups I participate in that I don't get anything out of. If playing my characters is nothing but a time-filler, the sort of thing I could do with my eyes closed or in my sleep, if I have no plots to play or characters to build off of, I'm leaving that group.

It's time I take my spare time seriously and do what I actually want to do.

What I've Got

Some days, things sneak up on you that you didn't expect. Today has been one of those days for me. The icing on the cake was hearing my roomie, in passing, comment that she didn't like our apartment because there was no dishwasher or garbage disposal. I'm sure she was just making a comment and I'm sure she thought nothing of what she was saying. The on-campus apartment I call home (which I think is totally kick-ass) apparently doesn't have some of the amenities she is used to. Her comment got me thinking.

I don't have a dishwasher...but I have running water.

I don't have a garbage disposal...but I have the money to buy trash bags.

I don't have the best looking car...but it gets me where I need to go.

I don't have the newest smartphone...but I got mine for a penny.

I don't have a 4.0 GPA...but I'm still going to graduate.

I don't have any scholarships...but I know how to defend my beliefs.

I'm not part of a clique...but I know how to listen to different opinions without arguments breaking out.

I don't have brand name clothes...but the clothes I have fit me.

I don't own new clothes...but I'm comfortable with my own body.

I don't have the newest game system...but I have more books than my bookshelves can hold.

I don't have a large group of friends...but the ones I do have I wouldn't trade in for anything.

I haven't got much money...but I know how to save up for what I want.

I'm not sure when it became a trend to complain about what you don't have. I've got good health - I very rarely get sick. I have the most supportive family anybody could ask for and four amazing parents who I know I could talk to about anything under the sun. I've got two dogs at home, both of whom are in great health and love me as only a pet can. I have amazing talent as a writer and I have the ability to recognize my own worth. I've got a roof over my head with no worry about monthly bills since I'm in on campus housing. I have the opportunity to go to college and spent the next 15 years of my life paying back loans. I'm going to leave this place with a degree in hand, a degree I worked to earn. Why do so many people talk about what they don't have and only focus on areas they're lacking in? I don't understand it. I guess I never will.

An Experiment in Free Writing

Most lies are not big. They're small. They look harmless. Until they multiply. The first lie comes, a spot of jam on a tile floor, a small imperfection that needs to be covered. Put something over it. Now, a stool sits in the corner, covered with a bright floral fabric. The stool has been moved. Something has to take its place in the living room. The coffee table gets shifted, then something is added to occupy that extra space. Because it wasn't there before, it gets accidentally knocked over, the pieces swept under the rug. This creates a lump, an obstacle, that someone may trip over. A chair gets moved, its legs acting as sentries around the lump of debris. Now, there's a chair in the middle of the room. Another tripping hazard placed too close to the couch for it to be comfortable. Wouldn't it be easier to tell about that small spot on the kitchen floor than rearrange the living room? Covering a lie causes more mess. Better to tell the truth right from the beginning and take care of the problem while it is small.

Thoughts and Feelings

Writing Routines

It's said that a lot of writers have routines, behaviors they repeat every time they sit down to practice their craft. Stephen King shuts himself in his writing room from 9-5, viewing it as his job. Some writers have special emblems or totems or "lucky" clothing. Some only hand-write while others only type. If you think about it, we can be just as superstitious a group as actors. (Some of the actor superstitions I've encountered include an actor who repeated the same pre-show routine from the first tech run to the final curtain to the point he arrived at the same time each evening, left at the same time, and did the same things in the same order. I knew a pair of actresses who would only let one technician tape their mics in place because that was the tech who did it during the first dress rehearsal.) Enough about actors. On to some of my writing habits/routines.

Hot Beverages This habit, I believe, is a throwback of learned behaviors from NaNoWriMo. When I sit down to write and it's not school related, I have to have some hot caffeinated beverage within reach. Even if I completely ignore it til it's ice cold, it has to be there from the start. I end up drinking it cold 90% of the time. Lol.

Energy Drinks If I don't have coffee, I'll reach for my energy drink of choice - Monster. There's not much like the feel of wanting to get up and not letting myself do it. When the only way I can burn excess energy is through my fingers moving across the keyboard, man do I get a lot written!

Change Scenery There are times, I just need a change of scenery - for myself, not my characters. One of my best writing days was in a coffee shop during NaNoWriMo. I wrote over 6k words that day. It's amazing what a simple change of scene can do for your mind.

Handwriting When I'm handwriting, it has to be lined paper and it has to be black ink. That is all.

Talk it Out Proof that most writers are a little nuts. I'll sit and discuss dialogue with myself, talking it all out and visualizing the entire scene.

Dare to Write Badly or The What If Universe When I talk things out, I often come up with a lot of things that, while entertaining to write, I know will never fit the story or the characters. So what do I do? I write it anyway and get rid of it later. Sometimes, it's one small moment in the impossible scenario I've dreamed up that will spark the next legit scene in the story.

Write or Die An amazing online program, a lot of my friends think I'm sadistic because I use Write or Die on kamikaze mode - this means that if I sit with the program open for too long without typing, the program will start to automatically delete words. Talk about incentive.

BICFOK The best advice I've ever received - tied, of course, to NaNoWriMo. BICFOK isn't the newest swear word; it's an initialism. Butt In Chair, Fingers On Keyboard. Sometimes, that's the only way to get things done - sheer force of willpower.

"One hasn't become a writer until one has distilled writing into a habit, and that habit has been forced into an obsession. Writing has to be an obsession. It has to be something as organic, physiological, and psychological as speaking or sleeping or eating." -Niyi Osundare