Self-defining

The semester's nearly at it's end and the past few days have been great. Today, I went to my end of semester conference for the theater department and it went really well. I was commended for my organizational skills and paperwork - something I need to improve in my life outside of school. After the conference and listening to a lot of talk about how I need to design more, be more creative, etc. I realized that I am not a designer. I am a technician. My skills lie in the act of carrying out someone else's design rather than coming up with my own. I'm just not necessarily that inventive on my own.

Thankfully, it was fairly cool out today. I was able to go for a run, my first since deciding I want to try and become a runner. I went up to the graveyard by our house and did some jogging. I jogged one minute, then walked on minute, alternating like that. On the way home, I ran between landmarks I saw, so there was no focus on time. If I'm right, I ran a total of five minutes. It may not sound like much, but as someone who walks exclusively, I'm taking every small bit of improvement as great gain.

I started hydrating a few hours before my run, then got my run postponed while I joined Mom, Other Mom, and Ms. Emma in running some errands. I did regret slightly that I started my run without any fluids in my possession since my water bottle was at home and I got dropped off so I could run sooner. Nevertheless, I did enjoy my run. I need to work on my rhythm and finding my stride as well as breathing properly while I run. I also need to reach a point where I can run for a whole minute without wondering when I can stop. All this, I know, will come with time and practice.

I'm already looking forward to my next run!

A new relaxation plan

I'm using the word "relaxation" somewhat incorrectly because my plan has very little to do with the relaxing most people think of. I'm not thinking of taking it easy or spending a day doing nothing. Instead, I'm thinking about ways to relax my body, to make me less aware of it, less concerned about how I look to others. Yesterday, I managed it. How do I know, you ask? The answer is quite simple.

At rehearsal last night, the director praised me. He said I was doing a great job and had been doing everything he'd asked me to, from my voice to my movement. Then, he gave me ideas to inject a little more character into my lines. I know this is pretty standard; after all, this is the meat and potatoes of what acting is. However, it's big news for me because I never made it past the basic bread and butter stage of "we can't hear you! speak up!"

I credit last night's extreme relaxation to the fact that I spent the day with Emma. I watched her all day and most of that time was spent out on the swing, me pushing her. I swear we went out there no less than half a dozen times and each swing session lasted at least fifteen minutes. At least, that's how it felt to me. I was completely amazed at how happy she was, just for this simple act from me. All she wanted was for me to push her on the swing, for us to spend time together. I am so grateful that I got to spend so much time yesterday with my sister, even if there had been no benefit for me.

Desires and Blessings

Well, I'm showing my age. I've been setting a lot of goals lately, thinking about the future in a manner more tangible than what is offered through mere dreams. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching - and doing it in some of the most unusual and unexpected places. One of my new goals is to be in a committed relationship before I graduate college. By my count, I have about a year to meet this goal. (As well as meeting the person. Lol.) In the past, I've made a brief and far from incomplete list of what I'm looking for in a partner. The lists I'll be writing for this blog will have a slightly broader focus.

Some of the things I want in my future include:

Writing - I really need to stop kidding myself. Writing is and has always been my passion. I am never happier than when I am writing, even if it's a simple little blog like this. Yes, I'm going to complete my theater degree. Yes, it may even lead to a job. Writing, whether for the theater or not, will be my career, starving artist be damned.

Financial stability - I've had this goal pretty well carved out since I was in middle school or high school. I don't want to be fabulously wealthy (though I don't think I'd complain if it did happen) and I don't want to be famous. I'm not a big fan of being in the public eye and never have been. I just want enough money that bills can be paid on time and where I can go out if I want to instead of having to wonder if I can afford it. Frankly, I don't feel this is much to ask of the universe.

Spirituality - I hesitate to use the word religion because I don't believe a label has been made yet for my personal beliefs. Do I want to parade my feelings about God down the street or hang a banner outside my house for everyone to know exactly who I believe hears my prayers? With no pun intended, my answer is a resounding "Heavens, no!" I'll openly admit that I keep my beliefs very close to the vest. I rarely share them because  feel I don't have the right to assume that I know more than someone else simply because I have different beliefs. However, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I need the inner peace that spirituality provides. I need to make time for myself and time to commune with my choice of higher power.

Love - I've always had love in my life, possibly more than I myself have ever been aware of having. This excessive beautiful emotion must continue to color my world so that it can spill over into the lives of those around me.

An equal partner - Whether male or female, I know my body and soul is searching for my other half. Maybe it's some biological clock, maybe my heart's just tired of being lonely. I'm not analyzing it. I'm just waiting.

Animals - I have owned pets all my life. I can't see myself not having a few dogs around, at the very least.

Books - What is life if I can't read?

Listen to myself more - If this blog has shown little else, I think is does provide evidence that I am, in some ways, more mature than some of my peers. I really do need to learn to listen to my own advice more often since I know myself incredibly well. The second-guessing needs to stop and I need to stop short-changing myself.

Listen to others more - I have a tremendous support system. My family, my friends, my professors - there are so many sources there, many of them more experienced than I. I need to be more aware of taking the advice they give rather than taking more time to make my own mistakes and reach a decision they already suggested.

Those are just a few of the things I want out of life. Now, I'm going to take some very good advice and count a few of my blessings by taking a look at what I already have.

Intellect - I am very smart. I know how to think. Sometimes, I use that skill a little too much or not enough, but I still list it as one of my strengths.

Diplomacy - I have the ability to talk to people and relate to them no matter their situation. If I can't relate, I find a way to empathize. I'm generally able to look at all sides of most any situation rather than focusing only on my needs or wants. I know how to go the extra step and consider who else is involved and effected by my decisions. When making decisions, I'm usually able to remove the emotional aspect and base my choice in logic rather than feeling.

Simplicity - My life, in truth, is very simple. I have simple needs and even simple desires. This is a treasure.

Family & Friends - There's so much overlap that I'll just lump these groups together. There are so many in my life who have stood beside me in support, not only recently, but for years on end. I'm eternally grateful for that and need to make it a point to be there for more of these people rather than using them only for my own gain - not that I do this maliciously, but everyone could stand to practice a little more self-awareness.

Responsible - I know that I and no other am responsible for myself. I make my own decisions and am to blame for whatever negativity may come as a result. Many people my age don't seem to have this awareness and it hurts them in the long run.

Imagination - I still have this wonderful gift. I always have and always will, provided it is used regularly and kept in shape like any other muscle.

Emma - Possibly the biggest blessing in recent years, my little sister is an absolute ray of sunshine and my everything. It's amazing that one person can make another feel so strongly. If this feeling of love, of combined ownership and being owned, increases when a person has children of their own, I'm not sure how I'll be able to bear it. One of the surest ways to put a smile on my face is for me to hear her voice and to know that I'm someone important in her young life - not just another face, I'm her Sissy. That title means more to me than anything I could be given by any other.

Well, there's a nice little wrap-up of some of my desires and some of my blessings. Think about some of yours. What are your true, bone deep, soul fulfilling desires? What wants are so strong that they become needs? Count your blessings today. If nothing else, this will ensure you smile once today.

Hemingway Enlightenment

"We are all apprentices in a craft where noone ever becomes a master." -Earnest Hemingway

This quote is all about humility, which, in my mind, is not nearly common enough these days. Everyone is critical of others, as if convinced they have all the right answers. I've experienced this at all levels in my life; I rarely understand it. As Hemingway points out, though it's likely he's speaking of writing, nobody is ever a master. There's always a boss, a supervisor, someone with more experience and authority. People don't realize this these days; they tend to think no further than themselves and judge others based on their own experiences, which isn't fair.

Here's to humility and remembering that we're all just apprentices sometimes.

I got cast!

I got a role in the play! I'll be playing the role of Mrs. Winemiller in Summer and Smoke! The read-through tonight was really a lot of fun. We have the next few days off and I have to be completely off book - meaning I know all my lines - by Sunday's rehearsal. I've also got an assignment due next Monday, a test on Thursday, internship things to do, and a work call out at our properties storage Saturday. Time to get back into the swing of things.

School days again

Went back to classes today after spring break. Time to knuckle down on my internship work; I spent most of my day doing exactly that. Had auditions for summer and Smoke by Tennessee Williams. Cast list will be posted tomorrow. Not sure how well I did yet.

Back to school; relaxing

Classes start tomorrow. Rehearsals tomorrow night. Time to finish some homework.

I love a parade!

Today, I went with all the parental units, grandma, and Princess Emma to see a St. Patrick's Day Parade. We headed out early to eat breakfast beforehand. The meal was good, warm and filling. The parade was very nice to watch. There's nothing like the excitement of a four year old to make everybody else get a little more energy themselves. Emma was asking all through breakfast if it was time to go to the parade and when her food was coming.

When it was time, we went outside to watch the parade. Emma loved it, especially the dresses and the horses. Hearing her voice change in pitch as she smiled and said "those horses are so small!" was adorable. It wasn't her first parade, but as she watched it, it was almost like she was seeing everything for the first time. Of course, I had my job during the parade: candy detail. I got to gather the pieces that Emma didn't see or that just hadn't been thrown far enough. When we got home, we divided the spoils.

A parade is a great way to start the day.

Rearranging

My Mom has always said that when she gets bored, there are only two things to do: rearrange furniture for a change of scenery or dye her hair for a change of looks. She and I spent today defrosting the freezer and, since we had to move it outside anyway to do that, we moved things around in the kitchen and dining room. Princess Emma was with us today and got to play in the water while Mom washed the frost from the freezer. She loved it.

The downside to all the furniture moving was the time it took. The chore took most of the day and we still have a couple of things to get put up. Better yet, my left calf is killing me. I've done some internet research, but don't know what I did to my leg, just that it hurts. A lot.

Pain aside, I like the new look of the kitchen and dining room. We cleared a lot of space and moved a lot of things; it's made the space a lot more comfortable and created more room both around the table and near the refrigerator and freezer.

Spring break is almost over. All in all, I've enjoyed it. I even managed to get some homework done, thankfully. Yeah, to be honest, I'm ready to go back. I miss the routine of school, the regularity of the schedule. On Monday, after I finish my classes and get my director's notebook turned in for Shakespeare (boy is that assignment going to take a while...) I'll be joining the rest of the department in auditioning for roles in our next production, Summer and Smoke.

For the moment, I think I'll revisit an old past time and test my new (used) memory card for my PlayStation. Seems like a good way to spend what is left of the day.

A day with Princess Emma

Today was spent with Princess Emma while the other parental units went to a doctors appointment. I'd just like to note how proud I am for my own ability to remain productive while entertaining a little girl. It really was a good day; of course, any day spent with Emma is good. how could it not be when I've got a Princess keeping me company?

Lately, Emma has been telling me all about her little red dragon, Ruby. This is the first imaginary friend she's come up with all by herself. It brought back my memories of my own imaginary friends. I'll admit, I was a little older and borrowed from stories I'd read. Falkor, the luckdragon from Michael Ende's The NeverEnding Story, was one of my favorites. Another was Little Bear from The Indian in the Cupboard. I'm so thrilled to see my sister using her imagination. She really has a knack for it.